Voices Unbound - by Praise Agunna

The chase for my degree has left me utterly stunned and speechless. Immediately after secondary school as it's known in Nigeria, we journey for a higher knowledge, slaves to the system. Of course we all knew higher knowledge means something more than mediocre books, it meant experience and growth. Most of us, grown too fast, forced ourselves to adapt to the changes we inevitably experienced. And at that, age 15 I was in university, an entirely different reality from the one I've always known, it was everything I imagined..at first. In my mind I was here for more than one thing, my degree most important but to also experience the world in a different view, and so my exploration began. Although 15 years in unsheltered world, my mind had been exposed a bit but you can't deny no matter how matured a child seem, she's still a child. Yes I attended classes, walked the whole of campus, I was searching for my own story, no one told me how different it would be. It wasn't one of those books where you read and sigh dreamily....no it was something far different. Although I'm loved by my family and I never had to doubt myself. As a matter of fact I was quite confident in myself no matter the harsh words spoken to me in secondary school, but something's just can't help but seep in. "You're ugly, your teeth are too big, you have a mouth disorder, if ever a guy approaches you, they're only there for your body" publicly I'll scorn it and bite back, secretly I'll stare at the mirror and watch, seeing exactly what they said. A naive little girl with trust issues, how ironic isn't it but there I was, little me in an unfamiliar world. The change didn't kick me immediately though. I wasn't new to the infatuation girls my age felt for boys and I knew something else occurred, I read it in books, I watched it in movies but still I was naive. I never understood the concept of 'giving green light', I thought all that happened was he'd ask me to be his girlfriend and I'd either accept or decline and then what happened next was utterly up to me. I didn't know if I smile at a guy too much, stay up all night on a phone call, hugging him good bye after a long stroll and on rare moments when he'd ask pecking him on the cheek was a sign of consent. I try to wipe the memories from my head, after all 'nothing happened' right. At 15 I began having depressive episodes where the world would lose all it's spark but I couldn't say anything most especially to my parents, it'd only make them worry and probably blame me for not being spiritually woke enough. I turned to self harm to stop the pain in my chest. I don't know what caused it exactly, the fact that I was academically pressured? Feeling heartbroken from my first love or the fact that I was broke and already worrying on how to make money without disturbing home because I'm supposed to understand. Eventually I stopped self harm and well had my first panic attack where I couldn't breathe at all, thankfully I wasn't alone, I was with a friend who apparently had it worse off than me and I felt ashamed for feeling what I felt. I had no right to be depressed, I had no right at all. At 15 I had my first taste of alcohol, the inside burn was well accommodated, I also had my first kiss, it wasn't as special as I heard from girls, I barely remember it but it's not something I'll blush about. My first kiss traded for a lesson of red light green light. It didn't help that I looked more than I actually was, so the chase didn't stop. I'm human so I fell in love and got my heart broken for the first time. At that time I thought distantly to the words I always heard in secondary school. I wondered if it was because I was ugly. Eventually I learned to adapt, to wear the mask everyone seemed to be wearing, to understand that you never get what you want, eventually I adapted to the fact that the world is full of knives and you'd have to get cut. At 16, I thought I understood the game but I still fell victim to a game I suggested myself. I finally learnt that you can't show red when you've been showing green. You can't show red when you played the utmost green card 'the girlfriend'. Maybe I learnt that lesson wrong. At 16 I was moving forward...I guess,I got my ground academically after much panic and tears, mentally I was tired, emotionally I got my heart broken more than once by both friends and my so called lover, so depressed I needed therapy but where in Nigeria, everybody's carrying their pain with a smile so I did too  At 16 I figured how pretty I looked, how my eyes shimmer and shine. I learnt other things too, situationship, flirtationship and lots more they don't teach in school  Now that little girl who started a new life on a bad note is 17 and has learnt to hide away her pain with a smile, sge learnt to coax her anxiety with outflow of emotions through tears. That little girl, still little in the inside but the scars on her outside killed her innocence. Now that little girl sees the world for what it truly is.... Dark and an illusion. Always trying to make you unhappy. After one purpose, if you don't have money you can't be truly happy or have what you think you want. You never know what it is with the world.

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