Is It Me or the Soap? - by Ofonime Koko

They say I’m “too much.” Others say I’m their safe space. So... is it me or the soap?There was a time a friend of mine asked a question that stuck with me:“Why do people, mostly girls, like being around me so much? I don’t even try to get their attention, but somehow they’re always drawn to me.” At first, it seemed like a random curiosity. But the more he spoke, the more I realized I knew exactly what he meant, just from the other side of the experience. People tend to gravitate toward me, too. I’ve noticed how they enjoy being around me. They want to talk, sit close, laugh, and share things with me. And no, I’m not doing anything special. I’m not wearing some magic perfume. There’s just...something. I’ve come to accept that some people are like magnets. They carry an energy that others are drawn to, an openness, a warmth, a presence that makes people feel safe. I think I might be one of those people (@samuel Ibok, argue with your phone). I’m the type to check in on people, laugh loudly, ask questions, and give compliments freely. I don’t know how to do “half-hearted.” If I’m in a room, you’ll know. I’m all in. That’s just who I am. But sometimes my natural friendliness gets misunderstood, especially by guys. I could just be me being nice, showing care, or simply enjoying a conversation, and next thing I know, someone is reading it as a “green light.” They assume I like them. That I’m flirting. That I want more. But I’m not. I’m just being me. Extra friendly? Yes. Intentional? Also, yes. Romantic interest? Not necessarily. And it can be frustrating, always needing to clarify that kindness doesn’t always mean attraction. Then there’s the other side, not from those who admire my energy, but from those who can’t seem to handle it. I’ve heard comments like, “You’re always everywhere,” or “Calm down,” or “You’re doing too much.” And as much as I try to shrug them off, they hurt. They make me question myself. They make me wonder if I’m overbearing, too visible, too “everything.” And in those moments, I start to shrink. I tell myself, “Okay, I’ll stop being so active. I won’t speak up anymore. I’ll just keep to myself.” (lol)And maybe I do pull back, for a while. But it never lasts. Because that’s not who I am. I wasn’t made to shrink. This is the tension I live in: people love me for my light, and some people shrink away from it. Some are drawn to my presence, while others wish I would tone it down. Some see my heart, and others only see their own misinterpretation. So, where does that leave me?<img src="/media/inline_insight_image/pexels-shkrabaanthony-6187542.jpg" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;" alt="">Right here, choosing to be authentic. It’s not my job to adjust my personality to suit every person’s preferences. What I can do is communicate clearly, especially when someone misreads my actions. I can also be aware of how I show up without losing the essence of who I am.If I’m too much for some people, maybe they’re not my people. And if my warmth is misunderstood, that doesn’t mean I should go cold. It means I learn to be myself with wisdom. I’m still figuring it all out, how to be both kind and clear, expressive and grounded, present without being overbearing. But one thing I know for sure: I won’t stop showing up. I hope you don’t either.

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